Yet Another Celebrity List

Because I just can't stop talking about myself and my oh-so-relevant opinions. I'm just rebelling against the oppressive societal expectations of Canadians to be selfless and caring and whatever. Take that, world.

Jean over on one of my favourite blogs The Wanderlust Guide (she has some amazing advice posts about everything from working out to proper date attire) did this post a couple weeks ago entitled The Locked Door and Celebrity Test. Basically, she gauged celebrities of her choice based on how much she'd like to be locked in a room with them (for the record, I could be happily locked in a room with Channing Tatum until I starved/suffocated/drooled myself to death).

I love these kinds of posts since it really requires minimal creative effort on my part, and since I should be studying for a midterm right now, I don't feel too bad about whipping through this list and throwing in an entertaining gif here and there.

Me frantically trying to learn the course material before an exam. #yolo #pharmswag*

(*Disclaimer: These hashtags are only 70% ironic.)

Anyway, getting to the actual point of this post (which now that I think about it is kind of a more mature version of F***, Marry, Kill), here is Jean's scale for how to rank the celebritays:

1 = Never. The door to this room is locked. This is a form of punishment and I am plotting my escape and your demise the entire time. I am thoroughly creeped out. I may appreciate your work, but you as a person is not doing it for me. I am scared of you.

2-3 = I hate what you stand for. I may have been fascinated with meeting you, but it more of a morbid fascination. I don't like you, I'm just intrigued how you became such a weirdo. I must witness it for myself. 

4-5 = Someone has set me up and I am annoyed, but not alarmed. We're not compatible and have nothing to talk about. I tried, I try with everyone. I am most likely tweeting, hoping for human interaction and praying this ends.

6 = Eh. It's a life experience, but we both know we're not ever calling each other again. We might have some chit chat and find the interaction interesting, but this is a one-time deal. I'll tell people I met you, but leave it at that. 

7-8 = You are pretty cool. We're talking, I like you and I am not eyeing the door or checking my phone. In fact, the door is probably open and I am choosing to stay.

9-10 = I'd like to have your babies. I may or may not have told you this yet. I don't care if you are a man or a woman; I hope the kids have my eyes and your sparkling personality.

Alright. Let's get the hot messes rolling.

1: Tom Cruise

This one's probably the hardest since it has to be someone who I appreciate, but don't really "get." Quite honestly, he's about the scariest person I could think of right now. Don't get me wrong, Top Gun was awesome. Jerry Maguire? That's my shit right there. Rain Man made my lacrimal ducts crash down like New York City in The Day After Tomorrow (this is some poorly thought-out reference to the giant wave thingy which is my tears). But I just really never want to be in the same room as Tom Cruise.

2-3: Like there's even any contest.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm obsessed with Miley Cyrus. I spend an embarrassingly large portion of my day thinking about her and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. On the one hand, I really give her props for not giving a single fuck what anyone thinks. But on the other hand, man, she's a ho. 

I defended her at first. She works hard, she's in a serious relationship, she's not a cokehead, her music's still half-decent... I don't really see the problem. And then shit got weird. 

The west coast is so ashamed right now.

It's not like we couldn't see it coming, but still. She's just out-of-control outrageous, just for the attention, and it's making me mad. I'd like to shake some sense into that girl. And give her some pants.

4-5: Drake

I'm not going to make any Amanda Bynes jokes for the sake of tact, but you can use your imagination.

So someone set me up with Drake, probably under the assumption that we're both Canadian and therefore soulmates. I have no qualms about Degrassi, but I just do not get Drake. I don't really pay much attention to him other than the songs that play on the radio, but I just feel like we would not get along. When did he turn into such a G? I'm sure he's nice and all, whatever, but I'm just kind of bored at the thought of him. Also I blame him for "yolo," so there's that.

6: Tara Reid

This is a bit of a true story. Last month, Tara Reid was making an appearance at a bar I just happened to be going to (because who doesn't go out on the first day of school?), and all of the guys I was with were flipping shit. I think they were kind of fascinated at the idea of meeting her, just because she has achieved some level of ill-earned celebrity and has since fallen into physical disrepair. Seriously, the girl was ratchet. 

Anyway, I saw her and watched as she took pictures with "fans," but I didn't actually get in line to meet her because I didn't care enough to do that. I still tell people I saw her, and that she was a bitch to my one friend who did get a photo, but that's as far as the whole thing went. 

7-8: Macklemore

Usually if I talk about someone a lot in a really nonchalant manner, it's because I'm secretly in love with them. 

When it comes to this guy, it's not so much "in love with" as "respect more than I've ever respected any other artist." His songs are meaningful and amazing and put any rapper who only talks about drugs and booty to shame, and I think I could just sit there and listen to what he has to say for hours. And he makes me feel a little bit more gangster about being a middle-class white kid from the northwest.

And that hair. 

9-10: Obviously it's the LDR.

I have a pretty obsessive personality. I've come to embrace that. But I fucking love this woman. It's not natural. Words cannot describe, although I tried in this post, so you can check that out. 

I don't know what it is about her. Her sultry cat eyes, her gorgeous auburn hair, her adorable vintage style, her breathtakingly beautiful inner sadness, her motherfucking voice. Lana Del Rey is the epitome of beautiful in my eyes, and I don't care what people say about her lips being fake or her image being a corporately constructed moneymaking product. True, she barely seems real when you listen to her music and look at flawless promotional photos.  But if you watch her interviews or her live performances or the little videos that stalker paparazzi put up of her just chillin in the streets of Paris, it becomes apparent just how lovely she really is. When I watch those videos, I realize that it's not about her hair or her lips. She's beautiful because she's beautiful inside. And she's so goddamn talented. I literally cry every time I hear a new song of hers. It's bad, guys.

I just want to talk to her. And hug her. And tell her how much I love her. And never let go. 

TELL ME THIS ISN'T THE SWEETEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN EVER.
Well, I suppose that's about it. I tried to stray from my usual standby topics (ie. Neil Patrick Harris, Justin Bieber, Jason Priestley, Ke$ha, etc), so there you go. I think Jean's list is a bit better than mine (so political and important and everything), but I could have easily just put Miley Cyrus for every single one, so give me some credit for trying. 

Marvel's The Avengers: The First in a Series of Long Overdue Movie Reviews

Alright, so maybe I should be studying. But what's one more day of procrastination? Whenever I think of the things I should be doing, I just remind myself of how much more intense life is going to get in the coming weeks and how I should utilize my creative outlets while I'm still able to. Hence, time-wasting overload. Because that's a sentence.

You know how sometimes you hear about a movie and you're like, "Wow, that sounds really good, I'll definitely have to watch that sometime," and then you kind of forget about it and move on until years later when you remember that you never actually saw Brokeback Mountain because you were eleven years old and it would have been too inappropriate anyway and it's still the kind of movie you want to watch alone not even because of the gay sex scenes but more because of how awkward Anne Hathaway's boobs make you feel? That's me.

Tonight I finally watched The Avengers (which is only like a year old, but when random people from high school started referring to me as Natasha Romanov I knew I should check it out), and I firstly want to say, when will they ("they" meaning the capitalists) stop making vapid superhero movies just for the sake of squeezing out a few more millions from mindless consumers? Probably never. I mean, honestly, it's disgusting. Superhero movies have been big for decades, but it seems like right now we need a movie for every goddamn thing. We just finished with Tobey Maguire's Spiderman and now we already have another one. We've had Green Lantern, Thor, Captain America, the Hulk, three fucking Iron Mans,The Avengers, Wolverine, Superman, as well as another Thor, Avengers and Captain America on the way. Oh, and Heath Ledger is hardly cold in the ground and we're reinventing Batman once again. I get it. People like superheroes. People will keep watching these movies and the people making these movies will keep getting the big bucks until the end of time. But I just think things are going a bit overboard (overThor'd?) right now.

Of course, I wouldn't object to a Joseph Gordon-Levitt Robin movie.

And now, for the feminist part: What I really want to know is where the Black Widow, Superwoman and Catwoman movies are. Oh, so Captain America gets two movies? Are you serious? He's pretty much the Marvel equivalent of Aquaman: lame and unnecessary. You don't see any Aquaman movies coming out, although there probably will be now that I've mentioned it.
It just kind of irks me that literally everyone else gets some kind of extensive movie deal (even the Agents of S.H.I.EL.D. are getting their own TV series) except for the female superheroes (or the villains- Poison Ivy anyone?). I'm kind of really curious about the Black Widow's story, but will we find out? Nope. We're more likely to get a trilogy about Aquaman at this point.

I guess the really sad thing is that I'm still going to watch these movies, even though I'm fully aware of how loathsome it is to support this endless ridiculousness.

But I mean, who can resist Thor puns?

But I digress. I'm pretty sure everyone in the English-speaking world has seen The Avengers by now, but my overall takeaway was that this movie should have been called Iron Man 2.5: Iron Man & His Minions. No one actually did anything of significance the entire movie except for Robert Tony Stark Downey Face Junior. Sure, Thor battled Loki. Sure, ScarJo closed the extraterrestrial portal. Sure, Hawkeye (it took me to the end of the movie to realize his name wasn't Hot Guy) had a nice butt (as did pretty much everyone else, thanks to an excessive amount of spandex). But let's be real here; Iron Man carried the whole goddamn lot. I wish there'd been more teamwork, but I guess this ain't no Justice League.

Side note: why was Mark Ruffalo there? Last time I checked, he was so not the Hulk. 

To me he'll always be Matty from 13 Going on 30. 

I feel like Loki was being a bit of a brat, you know, trying to take over the entire universe just because of his newly-established daddy issues. Did his hissy fit really have to result in the annihilation of New York City? I also didn't quite understand why they (whoever "they" was- I wasn't really paying attention to anything except everyone's spandexed butts) had to nuke Manhattan if it was already pretty much fucked. Just seemed like a waste to me. Imagine all the rebuilding that city is going to need now. So sad. Get on it, Bloomberg.

This is quickly turning into an infinite rant tying in all of my worldly opinions that no one will ever bother to read, so allow me to truncate. 

Pros: 

- Cobie Smulders is a BAMF and I absolutely loved that she was in this

- I actually don't mind RDJ and Tony Stark was actually pretty modest about all the avenging he did while everyone else stood around looking good

- Scarlett Johansson made me like her because she was as equally BAMF-y as The Cobes. It has come to my attention that she did her own stunts, so respect.

- Gwyneth Paltrow's part was limited, so that was a relief

- Thor is a fucking god (literally and figuratively)

- Chris Evans' butt is almost as much of a delight as Hot Guy's

Cons:

- Kind of pointless plot IMO. Thor, control your whiny brother.

- I hate that now we need all these equally pointless prequels/whatever-you-want-to-call-them about every single superhero

- Not enough shirtless guys (namely Thor)

- Captain America's costume was super lame. Why couldn't it have just been an American flag-print thong? That would have done nicely. Get with the times, Marvel.

- Too many action scenes. I almost fell asleep, because the sounds of bullets firing and shit going down are oddly soothing to me. I missed the entire World War II unit in Social Studies because I just laid my head on my desk during the documentaries and nappy napped

- Mark Ruffalo's character should have been played by Mark Wahlberg

If this isn't the face and body of a genius physicist, then my whole life has been one giant lie.

Verdict Time (ooh, just like on Video on Trial!): Not so bad. Lots of explosions and shit for the guys, lots of yummy superhero bums for the ladies. Looking forward to the equally overrated sequel. In the meantime, I'll be scouring the internet for more Thor puns to add to my collection. 

Worst Blogger Ever

So, um, yeah. I swear, usually I'm good at this. I used to have a really legit blog for like, an entire year, so I'm not one of those lame people who just gives up on something and moves onto something else. Although, nail polish has been eclipsing all the other aspects of my life lately...

What were once long and almost-Lana-Del-Rey-esque are now so stubby and sad. Naturally, I must console myself by ordering amaaazeballz indie polishes by the dozens. 

It's just that I don't have any inspiration. If I had something to say, I would say it. But I don't. At least not on a blog. Lately the only word coming out my mouth have been derogatory remarks about McDonalds employees, conveniently while I'm waiting for my food in a McDonalds. I'm not much of a forward thinker. And the only words coming out of my fingertips have been business-like emails dealing with all the paperwork annoyingness that is studenthood in a health sciences field.

Other than that, what have I been up to? Hmm, not much. University's taking its leisurely time getting going, but I'm sure it'll be punching me in the cervix before I even know it. That's how these things usually work. I'm making lots of new friends, blah blah blah, I live behind a frat house and always seem to forget and end up traipsing around my room in my underwear with the blinds open, blah blah, I'm broke from spending all my student loans on nail polish, alcohol, and Tim Hortons. So yeah, life's pretty great.

I guess I can make a post about Miley Cyrus sometime, as cliche as that is. I've been a fan of shaking my head at her shenanigans since '07 so it really is an issue close to my heart. Look forward to that.

I'm just really curious as to what happened to that giant swinging ball after the video was filmed. eBay?

Well, there you go, loyal fans. I made a blog post. Actually, I have a couple ideas for future posts but I never really get itching to write unless there's something else that I really should be doing, such as schoolwork (which everyone knows is a gigantic joke). Expect this blog to be heating up around midterm season with the fire of my procrastination. 

At least I still have good metaphorical skills.