Marvel's The Avengers: The First in a Series of Long Overdue Movie Reviews

Alright, so maybe I should be studying. But what's one more day of procrastination? Whenever I think of the things I should be doing, I just remind myself of how much more intense life is going to get in the coming weeks and how I should utilize my creative outlets while I'm still able to. Hence, time-wasting overload. Because that's a sentence.

You know how sometimes you hear about a movie and you're like, "Wow, that sounds really good, I'll definitely have to watch that sometime," and then you kind of forget about it and move on until years later when you remember that you never actually saw Brokeback Mountain because you were eleven years old and it would have been too inappropriate anyway and it's still the kind of movie you want to watch alone not even because of the gay sex scenes but more because of how awkward Anne Hathaway's boobs make you feel? That's me.

Tonight I finally watched The Avengers (which is only like a year old, but when random people from high school started referring to me as Natasha Romanov I knew I should check it out), and I firstly want to say, when will they ("they" meaning the capitalists) stop making vapid superhero movies just for the sake of squeezing out a few more millions from mindless consumers? Probably never. I mean, honestly, it's disgusting. Superhero movies have been big for decades, but it seems like right now we need a movie for every goddamn thing. We just finished with Tobey Maguire's Spiderman and now we already have another one. We've had Green Lantern, Thor, Captain America, the Hulk, three fucking Iron Mans,The Avengers, Wolverine, Superman, as well as another Thor, Avengers and Captain America on the way. Oh, and Heath Ledger is hardly cold in the ground and we're reinventing Batman once again. I get it. People like superheroes. People will keep watching these movies and the people making these movies will keep getting the big bucks until the end of time. But I just think things are going a bit overboard (overThor'd?) right now.

Of course, I wouldn't object to a Joseph Gordon-Levitt Robin movie.

And now, for the feminist part: What I really want to know is where the Black Widow, Superwoman and Catwoman movies are. Oh, so Captain America gets two movies? Are you serious? He's pretty much the Marvel equivalent of Aquaman: lame and unnecessary. You don't see any Aquaman movies coming out, although there probably will be now that I've mentioned it.
It just kind of irks me that literally everyone else gets some kind of extensive movie deal (even the Agents of S.H.I.EL.D. are getting their own TV series) except for the female superheroes (or the villains- Poison Ivy anyone?). I'm kind of really curious about the Black Widow's story, but will we find out? Nope. We're more likely to get a trilogy about Aquaman at this point.

I guess the really sad thing is that I'm still going to watch these movies, even though I'm fully aware of how loathsome it is to support this endless ridiculousness.

But I mean, who can resist Thor puns?

But I digress. I'm pretty sure everyone in the English-speaking world has seen The Avengers by now, but my overall takeaway was that this movie should have been called Iron Man 2.5: Iron Man & His Minions. No one actually did anything of significance the entire movie except for Robert Tony Stark Downey Face Junior. Sure, Thor battled Loki. Sure, ScarJo closed the extraterrestrial portal. Sure, Hawkeye (it took me to the end of the movie to realize his name wasn't Hot Guy) had a nice butt (as did pretty much everyone else, thanks to an excessive amount of spandex). But let's be real here; Iron Man carried the whole goddamn lot. I wish there'd been more teamwork, but I guess this ain't no Justice League.

Side note: why was Mark Ruffalo there? Last time I checked, he was so not the Hulk. 

To me he'll always be Matty from 13 Going on 30. 

I feel like Loki was being a bit of a brat, you know, trying to take over the entire universe just because of his newly-established daddy issues. Did his hissy fit really have to result in the annihilation of New York City? I also didn't quite understand why they (whoever "they" was- I wasn't really paying attention to anything except everyone's spandexed butts) had to nuke Manhattan if it was already pretty much fucked. Just seemed like a waste to me. Imagine all the rebuilding that city is going to need now. So sad. Get on it, Bloomberg.

This is quickly turning into an infinite rant tying in all of my worldly opinions that no one will ever bother to read, so allow me to truncate. 

Pros: 

- Cobie Smulders is a BAMF and I absolutely loved that she was in this

- I actually don't mind RDJ and Tony Stark was actually pretty modest about all the avenging he did while everyone else stood around looking good

- Scarlett Johansson made me like her because she was as equally BAMF-y as The Cobes. It has come to my attention that she did her own stunts, so respect.

- Gwyneth Paltrow's part was limited, so that was a relief

- Thor is a fucking god (literally and figuratively)

- Chris Evans' butt is almost as much of a delight as Hot Guy's

Cons:

- Kind of pointless plot IMO. Thor, control your whiny brother.

- I hate that now we need all these equally pointless prequels/whatever-you-want-to-call-them about every single superhero

- Not enough shirtless guys (namely Thor)

- Captain America's costume was super lame. Why couldn't it have just been an American flag-print thong? That would have done nicely. Get with the times, Marvel.

- Too many action scenes. I almost fell asleep, because the sounds of bullets firing and shit going down are oddly soothing to me. I missed the entire World War II unit in Social Studies because I just laid my head on my desk during the documentaries and nappy napped

- Mark Ruffalo's character should have been played by Mark Wahlberg

If this isn't the face and body of a genius physicist, then my whole life has been one giant lie.

Verdict Time (ooh, just like on Video on Trial!): Not so bad. Lots of explosions and shit for the guys, lots of yummy superhero bums for the ladies. Looking forward to the equally overrated sequel. In the meantime, I'll be scouring the internet for more Thor puns to add to my collection. 

Worst Blogger Ever

So, um, yeah. I swear, usually I'm good at this. I used to have a really legit blog for like, an entire year, so I'm not one of those lame people who just gives up on something and moves onto something else. Although, nail polish has been eclipsing all the other aspects of my life lately...

What were once long and almost-Lana-Del-Rey-esque are now so stubby and sad. Naturally, I must console myself by ordering amaaazeballz indie polishes by the dozens. 

It's just that I don't have any inspiration. If I had something to say, I would say it. But I don't. At least not on a blog. Lately the only word coming out my mouth have been derogatory remarks about McDonalds employees, conveniently while I'm waiting for my food in a McDonalds. I'm not much of a forward thinker. And the only words coming out of my fingertips have been business-like emails dealing with all the paperwork annoyingness that is studenthood in a health sciences field.

Other than that, what have I been up to? Hmm, not much. University's taking its leisurely time getting going, but I'm sure it'll be punching me in the cervix before I even know it. That's how these things usually work. I'm making lots of new friends, blah blah blah, I live behind a frat house and always seem to forget and end up traipsing around my room in my underwear with the blinds open, blah blah, I'm broke from spending all my student loans on nail polish, alcohol, and Tim Hortons. So yeah, life's pretty great.

I guess I can make a post about Miley Cyrus sometime, as cliche as that is. I've been a fan of shaking my head at her shenanigans since '07 so it really is an issue close to my heart. Look forward to that.

I'm just really curious as to what happened to that giant swinging ball after the video was filmed. eBay?

Well, there you go, loyal fans. I made a blog post. Actually, I have a couple ideas for future posts but I never really get itching to write unless there's something else that I really should be doing, such as schoolwork (which everyone knows is a gigantic joke). Expect this blog to be heating up around midterm season with the fire of my procrastination. 

At least I still have good metaphorical skills.

(Approximately) 19 Favourite Compliments

I have absolutely nothing to show for the past week and a half, but isn't that what summer's all about? It takes me back to the good old days (aka middle school) when summer was two solid months of sleeping in and going to the mall; none of this making-tuition-money and preparing-for-school bullshit. Semi-adult life sucks. At least full-fledged adults can spend their money on stuff they actually want instead of textbooks and dormitory damage charges.

IT'S LITTLE MERMAID NAIL POLISH. SO. BEAUTIFUL. 

I'm pretty sure bills and car insurance and taxes are just urban myths told to scare kids into not enjoying their childhood. Well, it's not going to work on me!

My friend Tawa got me a Flynn Rider doll for my 19th birthday (from Tangled AKA The Best Disney Film Ever Besides Monsters University). It's not like I roleplay with him or anything (*cough*), although I am pretty excited for him to meet my Brandon Walsh doll. I'm sure they'll be best friends/lovers forever.

Anyway, since I have recently turned nineteen years of age and can now drink legally in every province/territory in Canada (which I believe is cause for celebration), I wanted to list some of the best compliments I've received from my friends, family and random-ass strangers:

1. "Your nails look so good. Are they fake?"

No, these are not my nails, although I wish they were (chalkboardnails.com). I hacked off my nails in a fit of mania last week because half of them were breaking off, so they are no longer long and beautiful and Lana Del Rey-esque. 

They will be one day soon! I am in the midst of repairing them and readying them to be the fierce talons that are thus far but a hazy, sultry, tattooed, auburn dream. 

Before they broke, many people were asking me if my nails were fake, to which I gleefully responded, "They're REAL! Aren't they fabulous?" and to which everyone would say, "They're actually really creepy." Well, that's The Dream.

2. "You have perfect eyebrows."

Eyebrows are a tricky thing, as Demi Lovato knows. It's a very delicate balance, most of which people who have discovered tweezers struggle with horrifically. Hence, when people compliment me on my own, which are a carefully constructed face-framer resulting from two years living in constant fear of over-plucking or filling them in unnaturally, I think I've found my eyebrow sweet spot, as it were.

I mean, they're not terrible. They vary from day to day. Lana is, as per usual, the golden standard.

3. "You know that episode of How I Met Your Mother when Robin is trying to take a bad picture of Barney, but Barney looks good in every single photo no matter what? That's like you. You just have the perfect smile every time."

Pretty much. 

4. "Are you wearing fake eyelashes?"

By now you should have inferred that if anything about you is thought to be fake, you are at the pinnacle of beauty. Honestly, can you think of any higher compliment than looking too good to be true? Fakeness is a virtue, and faux-fakeness is godlike. 

Courtney Stodden is something of a role model to me.

5. "You're surprisingly smart"/

"You're surprisingly dumb"

This one really depends on what context you initially meet me in. If it's an academic context, then you may think me to be mature, sophisticated, insightful and even maybe intimidating. If you meet me in a social situation, then you'll most likely assume that I am the most air-headed person on the planet. Take for example, yesterday when I was plugging an electric pump into the socket of the car. I put the end where the air comes out into the socket, and the electric plug end into the air plug of the mattress. I didn't notice anything was wrong until my dad laughed at me. I just blame it on the fact that I am above such menial cognitive function. Kind of like when I got every question on my high school physics test right, except for the first one where I incorrectly manipulated v=d/t.

But I digress.

6. "Your shoulder dimples are so cute."

You can always fake it with piercings? *shudder*

I didn't even notice these until I was like 16. I just thought everyone had them. Apparently not.

7. "You have the best makeup collection ever."

I really don't, though. My collection is about 1/4 of the size of this one (which I found a picture of on tumblr and cannot find the owner to, so sorry, please don't sue me). I guess it's just because I have a lot of nice eyeshadow? It all just kind of appeared one day, so I can't take much credit for it. I'm too lazy for eyeshadow now anyway.

Compliments are pretty weird, if you think about it. Complimenting someone on a facial feature is kind of stupid because it's not really any of their own doing; you should really be complimenting their genetics. Complimenting someone on something they own could either reference their taste or style, which I suppose is admirable, or just how much money they have. Complimenting someone on a skill or talent or job-well-done is probably the most justified, in my opinion. At least that can't be bought or handed to you by your parent's chromosomes.

So maybe this wasn't 19 compliments, because I couldn't think of 19 nice things people have said to me. At least the ones I have received reinforced my boundless vanity! I should probably do a sequel post about the worst compliments I've received (like when a friend told me my hair reminded her of Blake Lively. I was going for Ke$ha, but fine. That's fine). I feel like that would be a thousand times more entertaining.

To make the finale (fee-nal-aaaayyyy) of this post more exciting, here are some catlike representations of me in various life situations:

Me when I run into my crush and try to act cool

Me stepping outside on a winter morning and underestimating the snowfall

Me on the first run at a ski hill

Me showing affection to my friends

Me trying to understand quantum physics

Me when I smell bacon

Me at the Disney Store

...I think that's enough for now.