A Redefinition of Adulthood

I usually consider myself to be responsible with money, but sometimes my own childish desires get the best of me. I suppose I am learning that I should not step foot in a toy store. Or the Disney Store. Or go on eBay. Or Amazon. Or the internet in general. Actually, maybe I need to hire Britney Spears' dad to control my finances and sanity; I think that worked well for her.

Here's what happens: I'm usually minding my own business admiring the wonders of first world capitalism when along comes some incredible object that I must possess at any price (okay, a reasonable price. Usually). So far such starry-eyed purchases have included:

Kinder Surprises

And an obscene number of them. Luckily I can justify this under the pretence of liking the chocolate; little do my fellow adults know that I am slowly "collecting them all."

My Brandon Walsh Doll

Yes, it's a Barbie Jason Priestley, and he's wonderful. This was more of me expressing my love for Beverly Hills 90210; I was close to buying the entire cast and Peach Pit Playset, but that would have just been ridiculous.

Squishy Ariel Figurines?

I forget what these are officially called; all kids' toys these days seem to have odd names including multiple 'Z's. 

But they were just too squishy and cute and choking-hazard-y to pass up.

Princess Minnie

This one is justified in that it was a souvenir from my first and only trip to Disney World.

Nimbus the Owl (or Snowy or Spells or whatever its official name is. I don't know)

I got this guy on a trip to the Zoo, and I'd been eyeing him for weeks beforehand, so it was an informed purchase.

Snow Leopard Cub

Do you know how hard it is to find a good snow leopard stuffed animal? Answer: Very hard. It's my favourite animal so when I found it I had to get it. I named her Himalaya because cute, right?!

My Little Pony Rarity Figurine

Again, I'm not just buying random stuff; I usually just buy my favourite of comically childish things. Rarity, for example, is my favourite character on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Not that I watch the show or anything.

SULLEY!!!

I went to the new Disney Store in town yesterday to check it out, and of course I had to take this guy home. He's so adorable, I can't handle it. Oozma Kappa Fraternity for the win!

MU Water Bottle

I just can't wait to take this bad boy to the gym. 

It totally beats out my U of A water bottle anytime.

Overall, I think this is pretty normal behaviour. There is nothing wrong with being in touch with your inner child! On second thought, that sounds a little wrong...

I can justify anything these days under the umbrella statement of "I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions!" It's true, isn't it? Just because adults are supposed to spend their money on pipeline stocks and Canadian Living Magazine subscriptions doesn't mean I have to. Or maybe I'll just hold out until I have kids and then I can buy them everything I secretly want and pretend I'm getting it for them, like in the Shopaholic books when Becky uses her toddler's allowance to purchase fancy pony toys. Having kids is totally like having a Toys R Us line of credit! A foolproof plan if I do say so myself.

IMAGE SOURCES

Minnie: http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Disney-Minnie-Mouse-Princess-Plush-Doll-Toy-Theme-Park-Disneyland-/130620698023?clk_rvr_id=501421812484

Spells: Ty.com

Snow Leopard: WildRepublic.com

Sulley and Water Bottle: DisneyStore.com

Ten Teenage Crushes

I recently read a post by the very funny Kate of the blog Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine in which she lists ten crushes she's had. Some of them were adorably embarrassing, and it got me thinking about my own crushes over the past few years, and particularly the embarrassing celebrity ones.
I may still technically be a teenager, but that doesn't mean I don't look back on my junior high days with varying levels of shame and regret at my unrequited loves. Also, using the word "crush" here is very much an understatement. When I develop a crush on someone (real or fictional or famous, but mostly famous), I become obsessed. Like, literally. I watch all of the movies they're in, watch all of their interviews online, create folders on my computer filled with photos of them... Sometimes I think better of it just in case I actually meet said celebrity crush and they fall madly in love with me, only to be driven away by my stalkerness, but I'd rather have easy access to those shirtless photos.

So without further ado, here's my list, in kind-of order from way back to now:

1. The 8th Grade Fantasy: Ed Westwick

I don't remember having any crushes until I was 13 and started watching Gossip Girl. I mean, there were cute guys at my school and stuff, but they were kind of immature and obnoxious. Gossip Girl was the love of my life for a few years, before it kind of went off the rails and into shitsville. It wasn't even so much Ed that I liked as his character, Chuck Bass; he was so witty and brooding and secretly romantic that even his flaws seemed irresistible. The height of this passion would definitely have to be making Chuck and Blair wallpapers and writing fanfiction. Oh, the good old days.

2. The Everyone Loved Him at Some Point: Zac Efron

This one's a given. I didn't even start liking him until a few years after High School Musical. The scene in 17 Again when he's wearing those sunglasses and that leather jacket and he gets out of his car and locks it without looking back has got to be one of the best cinematic moments I've ever experienced. 

Zac's been one of my biggest obsessions to date, so much so that my 15th birthday party was Zac Efron-themed. If you don't believe me, I have proof:

Yes, that is a cake with his face on it. I had it custom-made. There was also a HSM tablecloth (pictured), HSM cups and plates, a HSM pinata (luckily for me, all this stuff was still popular), and about 50 pictures of him taped up around the house. The one in the dining room stayed for about 2 years before my dad finally forced me to take it down.

I also taped a picture of Vanessa Hudgens to the pinata, just so I could hit her in the face repeatedly with a baseball bat. 

3. The Mid-2000s N*SYNC: The Jonas Brothers

One Direction who? Not much needs to be said about this one; they were the metrosexual heartthrobs of my generation. And the reason I listed all of them collectively was because I oscillated between them; at one particularly dark point in my life, I was deeply in love with Kevin simply because no one else was and I wanted to be unique. He was my Msn Messenger icon. It was that real. 

4. The I'm Too Cool for Edward Cullen: Jackson Rathbone

So we're entering the Twilight era, and I will never, ever like Robert Pattinson. Besides, Jasper was always my favourite vampire. Sure, Emmett was pretty funny, but Jasper was so... angsty. His body language was worth a hundred of Emmett's sex jokes.

Kellan Lutz kind of reminds me of a beefed-up Seann William Scott, and I don't know how I feel about that. 

5. The Most Beautiful Man Alive: Matt Lanter

Matt Lanter is one of those guys who is just way too good-looking to be human, kind of like Ryan Reynolds. They're so hot that you can't ever take them seriously. I remember when he first appeared on 90210, and everyone was flipping shit. Obviously they had to boot the boring dude no one cared about so Matt could become a permanent ratings boost (side note: I'm friends with a girl who was Dustin Mulligan's neighbour AKA Ethan, the guy that got bumped off after season 1. Basically Matt Lanter and I are BFFs). I'm pretty sure he's the only reason anyone watched 90210; he's the only reason I did.

6. The Animated Crush: Flynn Rider

I don't even care that he's a fictional character because he is damn sexy. I've had conversations at length with various friends over the pervertedness of viewing animated characters in a sexual light. I think it's most appropriate when it's a human character like Flynn. Or He-Man. Whatever you're into. The lines start to get blurry when you talk about non-human characters and drift into that beastiality-esque area.

Still, my view on My Little Pony is that the characters were meant to be viewed as kind-of humans... how else could those male ponies be so alluring?

He's wearing a bowtie and vest. He's basically Owen Wilson from Wedding Crashers.

Okay, I'm going to stop before this goes too far.

7. The Second Animated Crush: Emperor Kuzco

I wish I was just joking with all this stuff, but I'm really not.

Remember, from The Emperor's New Groove? The TV show was even better, in my opinion.

He's kind of like an Egyptian Barney Stinson. Also, it took an entire high school education to learn that Emperor's New Groove doesn't actually take place in Egypt. I think they were Mayans or something? But I mean, come on, who could blame me? They had fancy hats and pyramid-things and those haircuts... anyone could have made the same mistake. Excuse me if I don't know the geographical origins of llamas.

Also, this picture has been my iPod background for a solid year and a half. I can't imagine my life without the internet.

8. The Fuzzy Heart: Jason Segel

This one's more of a personality crush, where he is just adorable and talented and I love it. He definitely made the first few seasons of How I Met Your Mother for me, and the Muppets was amazing and I may/may not have screamed and/or cried the entire way through. When that snobby bitch Michelle Williams broke up with him because she "wasn't looking for anything serious," I wanted to punch her in her pursed little mouth. (I'm sure she's actually very nice, but it's one of those things where I just dislike her for no particular reason. Kind of like Natalie Portman. She's just too sweet and intelligent. Something's clearly wrong there.)

He was such a stud in Freaks and Geeks, though.

9. The True Teen Heartthrob: Jason Priestley

When I was about 16, I started watching Beverly Hills 90210 (the old one), and Brandon Walsh was the greatest thing I'd ever seen. He was such a do-gooder, and it was so hot. It's the kind of crush that's like true love, where over time it just deepens into this kind of warm, comfortable affection. I'll never find anybody as good as Brandon.

And yes... I have the doll. 

Speaking of obsessions, I'm obsessed with '90s television. It was just so much better than the crap we have these days (not that I don't watch Honey Boo Boo from time to time). In fact, anything before the new millennium was awesome. Doogie Howser MD holds a special place in my heart. He can be an honorary member on this list.

How can anyone say no to 16-year-old Neil Patrick Harris? He totally would have been my tween crush, if I hadn't been born in the wrong decade.

10. The Love of My Life: Miles Teller

This one is extremely important. 

If you don't know who he is, good, because I want him all to myself. The first movie I saw Miles Teller in was Project X (yes, I saw that in theatres- we almost didn't get let in because it was rated R and we were 17 at the time, but one of my friends was 18 so she was allowed to be our "chaperone." Don't worry, she covered my eyes during the bad parts). I remember briefly thinking, "Oh, that guy's pretty cute," and that was the end of that. A few months ago I saw 21 and Over (I was 18 this time so I was allowed to watch the bad parts- heheh, butts), and that's when it all started. 

It's not that he's the hottest guy in the world or anything like that. He kind of reminds me of Jason Segel, except young and hot and an even better dancer. There's just something about him that I love, and I don't quite know what it is. My best guess is that we're soulmates.

Also, this was an accident. Well, a sort-of accident. I was perusing random posters and autographs on eBay when I stumbled upon this beauty, and I never wanted anything so badly since my Brandon Walsh doll:

It's just the most hilarious thing. Anyway, I made an offer on it, only briefly considering whether or not I would be locked into buying it if my offer got accepted (I'm not very good at eBay). Turns out it did get accepted, and yes, I was now obligated to buy it. There are definitely worse fates to be had.

So basically, I now own something that he touched/breathed on. I hope I don't get pregnant. I'll wear gloves.

And that leads me to the present. If you haven't already checked out Kate's list, make sure you do so, and let me know who your 10 crushes are! I'm getting so lonely that I might have to post comments on my own blog under different names to make myself look popular. Let's not make that happen. 

OH! One last thing. I know I already used up my 10 crushes (it was a difficult decision cutting it down to these sexies), but I just wanted to add Alan Rickman in there.

I could care less that he's like 70; that voice is timeless. Sense and Sensibility was so wonderful that you didn't even notice that he was ~30 years older than Kate Winslet. Also, Snape.

I'm done now, I promise.

An Aquatic Soap Opera

I was sitting in the library yesterday, as one does, and I couldn't help but overhear the conversation of the two guys sitting behind me:

"Fish are fucking awesome."
"Yeah, but you don't want to name them after real people, because then it just gets awkward."

You hear some interesting stuff by unintentionally eavesdropping (my opinion is that if you're talking about stuff in public, you're pretty much asking it to be front page news on Yahoo!. Or you would be, if Yahoo! was still relevant). I don't want to hear what you have to say, but since I can't cut my own ears off (I mean, even if I did, I'd still be able to hear your conversations. Inner ear and cochlea and auditory amplification and whatnot), I might as well pretend that I'm a part of your conversation.

But this post isn't about the stupid shit that people say in public. I think I could start a whole new blog on that topic. But no, it's not about that; this post has to do with the fish thing. I don't think naming fish after people gets awkward; I'd say it gets... complicated. Allow me to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, I had a fish tank. Well, I still do, but my dad is letting the fish die off so he can get rid of it, which I'm quite upset about because they are my beloved (and only) pets. Whoever says fish tanks are so '80s is a fucking liar. If I use the term "miniature aquarium," does that make it sound more interesting? Alright then.

About a year ago, before the Great Purge began (well, of the fish, that is), I had quite a few fish. Most of them were boring and ugly and nameless because no one cared about them, but my fish were the platys, the colourful and adorable little swimmy thingies. At the time, there were four of them, two spotted and two Mickey Mouse. Yes. Mickey mouse platy is a kind of fish, which delighted me to an infinite extent.

IT'S GOT A MICKEY MOUSE ON ITS TAIL. GENETICS, BITCH.

The two spotted ones were named Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, while the Mickey Mouses were Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. I thought it was great; Justin and Britney were a couple, and so were Jake and Heath.

I believe that fish are anatomically genderless and therefore assume whatever sex you arbitrarily place upon them. So far, nobody's proved me wrong. But the relationships between the platys were not imaginary; Justin and Britney were actually together all the time, as were Heath and Jake. 

The real Jake (middle) and Britney (right). The swordtail on the left is my dad's, and the swordtail was kind of the king of the aquarium. I've decided just now to name him Jay-Z. And yes, I take pictures of my fish. I thought everyone did that. They're very elusive around the paparazzi, though, hence the blurry shot.

Things in Hollywater (like Hollywood, get it? Heh heh heh. Okay, sorry, that pun was subpar at best) were great for a while. I think Britney was even pregnant once. It was a beautiful life for the platys. 

Yes, everything was wonderful, until the disappearance of Justin Timberlake. 

It was as if he had been swept up into the water filter; he was gone, without a single trace. Was he spooked by the possibility of fatherhood and decided to flee, or was it an even more sinister circumstance? Was it suicide? Was it murder? Was it cannibalism?

I suppose we'll never know. 

Britney miscarried from the devastation of losing her husband, and slipped into depression. Looking for solace after the loss of the love of her life, she turned to her friend Jake. Jake and Britney became closer day by day, while Heath became the third wheel. Heath was, presumably, distressed at the thought of losing Jake to Britney, while Jake was confused by his conflicting emotions. Half of him loved Heath for their comfortable relationship, but the other half was drawn to the enticing and seductive Britney. He just couldn't choose between the two. Unfortunately, he didn't have to.

A few months after Justin's disappearance and presumed death, Heath passed away, in just as untimely a manner. One day, he was the most talented fish in the mini aquarium. The next, he was floating on the surface of the water, a hollow body that was not as celestial as his soul. Or maybe he was on the bottom. I don't understand much about fish physics. Anyhow, he just couldn't cope with the pain that Jake was putting him through. Seeing him and Britney constantly together (which was unavoidable, since this aquarium is, of course, miniature) was heartbreaking. Jake deserved happiness, and perhaps that was only attainable with Heath out of the picture.

Jake came to terms with Heath's death relatively easily, which may have been the result of the distancing between them near the end of their relationship, or the possible association that Jake had to Heath's death. He could have very well killed him; I don't know. An autopsy wasn't performed. At the very least, he killed him emotionally. I'm sure we'll find out the truth on the reunion show.

Heath's death blanketed the aquarium with solemness, but in the face of death, life goes on. Jake and Britney continued to grow closer; they only had each other now, in a world that seemed determined to tear them down. But they rose like Atlantis.

(I don't understand much about that, either. Wasn't there a Disney movie? I remember a Disney movie. Something about the "forgotten princess," which is ironic, considering she was from a forgotten city. I guess it wouldn't kill me to put a little research into my references, but I think that errors are intellectually stimulating.)

When's her Coronation?

But of course, not all can stay golden. Or whatever. You know the expression I mean.

The population of Hollywater was dwindling, what with all these mysterious deaths. The Hollywater Tourist Association put out their best ads to lure in new citizens: 

They're fish, okay? You can't expect them to be marketing/graphic geniuses.

To the shock of everyone who knows how to properly edit photos, Hollywater actually attracted some pretty cool people-fish. 

Brandon Walsh was a marigold platy, meaning that he was basically sunlight reincarnated as a living organism. 

*Not the actual Brandon.

He was big and golden and spectacular, and he knew it. You know when you look at a fish and you think, "Wow, that is one cocky fish"? I'm sure this happens to people regularly. But he was pretty much the frat president of the aquarium. He had that much swag. 

(I wanted him to turn out like the original Brandon Walsh, but alas, he was more of a Steve. And not in the redeemable ways.)

Brandon was a ladies' man. When he wasn't admiring his reflection in the glass walls of the aquarium, he was being dutifully followed by his fan club of guppy groupies, Brenda, Kelly and Donna (I swear I'm not making this up. I couldn't even if I wanted to). 

We all should have seen it coming. One look at Brandon, and Britney ditched Jake's poor Mickey Mouse ass. Britney and Brandon started hanging out constantly, and Jake was flushed into the Fishy Friendzone (toilet joke. Ha). By now, you should have noticed that Britney is a bit of a flighty tramp. However, Brandon was her true love (for real this time, guys). Jake, of course, still loved BritBrit dearly. He clung to their romance, despite the pain of watching her leave him behind for a new and exciting life with Brandon. She even got pregnant a few times, but sadly miscarried each time (come to think of it, she was probably just a yo-yo dieter). Jake swam along in the shoulder lane of the Brandney highway, always waiting for the return of the girl he had given up the man of his dreams for. But she never came.

Jake eventually died, after enduring more than a year of unrequited love. Britney and Brandon lived the to the ripe old ages of about 2 years, leaving behind a legacy of drama that will forever haunt Hollywater. From the time of their living greatness and demise, things will never been the same. 

"That's seriously how it ends?!"

Bears a striking resemblance to their real-life counterparts, doesn't it? Maybe not. But it happened, nonetheless. And I promise that as soon as I return home for the summer, I am getting a whole bunch of new platys for the next generation spin-off of Beverly Hills 9021H2O.

Note: All of this is 100% scientifically accurate and true. I mean, at least from what I observed. I'm not a fish whisperer but I'm pretty sure that's what was going on. 

IMAGE SOURCES

Mickey Mouse Platy: http://www.tropicalfishintl.com/platy.htm

Kida: http://yaraffinity.deviantart.com

Aquarium: www.hdwallpapersarena.com