You know how sometimes you hear about a movie and you're like, "Wow, that sounds really good, I'll definitely have to watch that sometime," and then you kind of forget about it and move on until years later when you remember that you never actually saw Brokeback Mountain because you were eleven years old and it would have been too inappropriate anyway and it's still the kind of movie you want to watch alone not even because of the gay sex scenes but more because of how awkward Anne Hathaway's boobs make you feel? That's me.
Tonight I finally watched The Avengers (which is only like a year old, but when random people from high school started referring to me as Natasha Romanov I knew I should check it out), and I firstly want to say, when will they ("they" meaning the capitalists) stop making vapid superhero movies just for the sake of squeezing out a few more millions from mindless consumers? Probably never. I mean, honestly, it's disgusting. Superhero movies have been big for decades, but it seems like right now we need a movie for every goddamn thing. We just finished with Tobey Maguire's Spiderman and now we already have another one. We've had Green Lantern, Thor, Captain America, the Hulk, three fucking Iron Mans,The Avengers, Wolverine, Superman, as well as another Thor, Avengers and Captain America on the way. Oh, and Heath Ledger is hardly cold in the ground and we're reinventing Batman once again. I get it. People like superheroes. People will keep watching these movies and the people making these movies will keep getting the big bucks until the end of time. But I just think things are going a bit overboard (overThor'd?) right now.
Of course, I wouldn't object to a Joseph Gordon-Levitt Robin movie.
And now, for the feminist part: What I really want to know is where the Black Widow, Superwoman and Catwoman movies are. Oh, so Captain America gets two movies? Are you serious? He's pretty much the Marvel equivalent of Aquaman: lame and unnecessary. You don't see any Aquaman movies coming out, although there probably will be now that I've mentioned it.
It just kind of irks me that literally everyone else gets some kind of extensive movie deal (even the Agents of S.H.I.EL.D. are getting their own TV series) except for the female superheroes (or the villains- Poison Ivy anyone?). I'm kind of really curious about the Black Widow's story, but will we find out? Nope. We're more likely to get a trilogy about Aquaman at this point.
I guess the really sad thing is that I'm still going to watch these movies, even though I'm fully aware of how loathsome it is to support this endless ridiculousness.
But I mean, who can resist Thor puns?
But I digress. I'm pretty sure everyone in the English-speaking world has seen The Avengers by now, but my overall takeaway was that this movie should have been called Iron Man 2.5: Iron Man & His Minions. No one actually did anything of significance the entire movie except for Robert Tony Stark Downey Face Junior. Sure, Thor battled Loki. Sure, ScarJo closed the extraterrestrial portal. Sure, Hawkeye (it took me to the end of the movie to realize his name wasn't Hot Guy) had a nice butt (as did pretty much everyone else, thanks to an excessive amount of spandex). But let's be real here; Iron Man carried the whole goddamn lot. I wish there'd been more teamwork, but I guess this ain't no Justice League.
Side note: why was Mark Ruffalo there? Last time I checked, he was so not the Hulk.
To me he'll always be Matty from 13 Going on 30.
I feel like Loki was being a bit of a brat, you know, trying to take over the entire universe just because of his newly-established daddy issues. Did his hissy fit really have to result in the annihilation of New York City? I also didn't quite understand why they (whoever "they" was- I wasn't really paying attention to anything except everyone's spandexed butts) had to nuke Manhattan if it was already pretty much fucked. Just seemed like a waste to me. Imagine all the rebuilding that city is going to need now. So sad. Get on it, Bloomberg.
This is quickly turning into an infinite rant tying in all of my worldly opinions that no one will ever bother to read, so allow me to truncate.
Pros:
- Cobie Smulders is a BAMF and I absolutely loved that she was in this
- I actually don't mind RDJ and Tony Stark was actually pretty modest about all the avenging he did while everyone else stood around looking good
- Scarlett Johansson made me like her because she was as equally BAMF-y as The Cobes. It has come to my attention that she did her own stunts, so respect.
- Gwyneth Paltrow's part was limited, so that was a relief
- Thor is a fucking god (literally and figuratively)
- Chris Evans' butt is almost as much of a delight as Hot Guy's
Cons:
- Kind of pointless plot IMO. Thor, control your whiny brother.
- I hate that now we need all these equally pointless prequels/whatever-you-want-to-call-them about every single superhero
- Not enough shirtless guys (namely Thor)
- Captain America's costume was super lame. Why couldn't it have just been an American flag-print thong? That would have done nicely. Get with the times, Marvel.
- Too many action scenes. I almost fell asleep, because the sounds of bullets firing and shit going down are oddly soothing to me. I missed the entire World War II unit in Social Studies because I just laid my head on my desk during the documentaries and nappy napped
- Mark Ruffalo's character should have been played by Mark Wahlberg
If this isn't the face and body of a genius physicist, then my whole life has been one giant lie.
Verdict Time (ooh, just like on Video on Trial!): Not so bad. Lots of explosions and shit for the guys, lots of yummy superhero bums for the ladies. Looking forward to the equally overrated sequel. In the meantime, I'll be scouring the internet for more Thor puns to add to my collection.
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