I was sitting in the library yesterday, as one does, and I couldn't help but overhear the conversation of the two guys sitting behind me:
"Fish are fucking awesome."
"Yeah, but you don't want to name them after real people, because then it just gets awkward."
You hear some interesting stuff by unintentionally eavesdropping (my opinion is that if you're talking about stuff in public, you're pretty much asking it to be front page news on Yahoo!. Or you would be, if Yahoo! was still relevant). I don't want to hear what you have to say, but since I can't cut my own ears off (I mean, even if I did, I'd still be able to hear your conversations. Inner ear and cochlea and auditory amplification and whatnot), I might as well pretend that I'm a part of your conversation.
But this post isn't about the stupid shit that people say in public. I think I could start a whole new blog on that topic. But no, it's not about that; this post has to do with the fish thing. I don't think naming fish after people gets awkward; I'd say it gets... complicated. Allow me to tell you a story.
Once upon a time, I had a fish tank. Well, I still do, but my dad is letting the fish die off so he can get rid of it, which I'm quite upset about because they are my beloved (and only) pets. Whoever says fish tanks are so '80s is a fucking liar. If I use the term "miniature aquarium," does that make it sound more interesting? Alright then.
About a year ago, before the Great Purge began (well, of the fish, that is), I had quite a few fish. Most of them were boring and ugly and nameless because no one cared about them, but my fish were the platys, the colourful and adorable little swimmy thingies. At the time, there were four of them, two spotted and two Mickey Mouse. Yes. Mickey mouse platy is a kind of fish, which delighted me to an infinite extent.
IT'S GOT A MICKEY MOUSE ON ITS TAIL. GENETICS, BITCH.
The two spotted ones were named Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, while the Mickey Mouses were Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. I thought it was great; Justin and Britney were a couple, and so were Jake and Heath.
I believe that fish are anatomically genderless and therefore assume whatever sex you arbitrarily place upon them. So far, nobody's proved me wrong. But the relationships between the platys were not imaginary; Justin and Britney were actually together all the time, as were Heath and Jake.
The real Jake (middle) and Britney (right). The swordtail on the left is my dad's, and the swordtail was kind of the king of the aquarium. I've decided just now to name him Jay-Z. And yes, I take pictures of my fish. I thought everyone did that. They're very elusive around the paparazzi, though, hence the blurry shot.
Things in Hollywater (like Hollywood, get it? Heh heh heh. Okay, sorry, that pun was subpar at best) were great for a while. I think Britney was even pregnant once. It was a beautiful life for the platys.
Yes, everything was wonderful, until the disappearance of Justin Timberlake.
It was as if he had been swept up into the water filter; he was gone, without a single trace. Was he spooked by the possibility of fatherhood and decided to flee, or was it an even more sinister circumstance? Was it suicide? Was it murder? Was it cannibalism?
I suppose we'll never know.
Britney miscarried from the devastation of losing her husband, and slipped into depression. Looking for solace after the loss of the love of her life, she turned to her friend Jake. Jake and Britney became closer day by day, while Heath became the third wheel. Heath was, presumably, distressed at the thought of losing Jake to Britney, while Jake was confused by his conflicting emotions. Half of him loved Heath for their comfortable relationship, but the other half was drawn to the enticing and seductive Britney. He just couldn't choose between the two. Unfortunately, he didn't have to.
A few months after Justin's disappearance and presumed death, Heath passed away, in just as untimely a manner. One day, he was the most talented fish in the mini aquarium. The next, he was floating on the surface of the water, a hollow body that was not as celestial as his soul. Or maybe he was on the bottom. I don't understand much about fish physics. Anyhow, he just couldn't cope with the pain that Jake was putting him through. Seeing him and Britney constantly together (which was unavoidable, since this aquarium is, of course, miniature) was heartbreaking. Jake deserved happiness, and perhaps that was only attainable with Heath out of the picture.
Jake came to terms with Heath's death relatively easily, which may have been the result of the distancing between them near the end of their relationship, or the possible association that Jake had to Heath's death. He could have very well killed him; I don't know. An autopsy wasn't performed. At the very least, he killed him emotionally. I'm sure we'll find out the truth on the reunion show.
Heath's death blanketed the aquarium with solemness, but in the face of death, life goes on. Jake and Britney continued to grow closer; they only had each other now, in a world that seemed determined to tear them down. But they rose like Atlantis.
(I don't understand much about that, either. Wasn't there a Disney movie? I remember a Disney movie. Something about the "forgotten princess," which is ironic, considering she was from a forgotten city. I guess it wouldn't kill me to put a little research into my references, but I think that errors are intellectually stimulating.)
When's her Coronation?
But of course, not all can stay golden. Or whatever. You know the expression I mean.
The population of Hollywater was dwindling, what with all these mysterious deaths. The Hollywater Tourist Association put out their best ads to lure in new citizens:
They're fish, okay? You can't expect them to be marketing/graphic geniuses.
To the shock of everyone who knows how to properly edit photos, Hollywater actually attracted some pretty cool people-fish.
Brandon Walsh was a marigold platy, meaning that he was basically sunlight reincarnated as a living organism.
*Not the actual Brandon.
He was big and golden and spectacular, and he knew it. You know when you look at a fish and you think, "Wow, that is one cocky fish"? I'm sure this happens to people regularly. But he was pretty much the frat president of the aquarium. He had that much swag.
(I wanted him to turn out like the original Brandon Walsh, but alas, he was more of a Steve. And not in the redeemable ways.)
Brandon was a ladies' man. When he wasn't admiring his reflection in the glass walls of the aquarium, he was being dutifully followed by his fan club of guppy groupies, Brenda, Kelly and Donna (I swear I'm not making this up. I couldn't even if I wanted to).
We all should have seen it coming. One look at Brandon, and Britney ditched Jake's poor Mickey Mouse ass. Britney and Brandon started hanging out constantly, and Jake was flushed into the Fishy Friendzone (toilet joke. Ha). By now, you should have noticed that Britney is a bit of a flighty tramp. However, Brandon was her true love (for real this time, guys). Jake, of course, still loved BritBrit dearly. He clung to their romance, despite the pain of watching her leave him behind for a new and exciting life with Brandon. She even got pregnant a few times, but sadly miscarried each time (come to think of it, she was probably just a yo-yo dieter). Jake swam along in the shoulder lane of the Brandney highway, always waiting for the return of the girl he had given up the man of his dreams for. But she never came.
Jake eventually died, after enduring more than a year of unrequited love. Britney and Brandon lived the to the ripe old ages of about 2 years, leaving behind a legacy of drama that will forever haunt Hollywater. From the time of their living greatness and demise, things will never been the same.
"That's seriously how it ends?!"
Bears a striking resemblance to their real-life counterparts, doesn't it? Maybe not. But it happened, nonetheless. And I promise that as soon as I return home for the summer, I am getting a whole bunch of new platys for the next generation spin-off of Beverly Hills 9021H2O.
Note: All of this is 100% scientifically accurate and true. I mean, at least from what I observed. I'm not a fish whisperer but I'm pretty sure that's what was going on.
IMAGE SOURCES
Mickey Mouse Platy: http://www.tropicalfishintl.com/platy.htm
Aquarium: www.hdwallpapersarena.com
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